I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
