I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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