Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize