Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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