why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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