Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I believe in your delicious
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
