You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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