1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
