On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
