sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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