I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
