EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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