Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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