I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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