this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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