What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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