whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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