I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
