How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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