I hope mine doesn't look like that
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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