I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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