Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Randomize
