The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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