he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
