I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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