if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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