She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
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