You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
