I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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