i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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