can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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