If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize