She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
