I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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