Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
