They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
