I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
