Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
