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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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