we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
