drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
