found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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