so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
