I'm so fucking centered right now
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
did i just pee glitter
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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