oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Boobs are out for the taking
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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