A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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