ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
