i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
