Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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