I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
