I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Send help, water and tortillas.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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