Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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