The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
