Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
