i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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