and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
