I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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