Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
