i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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