on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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