it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
